Quick Change: A Farce in Three Acts of Indecency
Is there a City Wife Wou'd be a Lady? Is there a Tawdry Fop wou'd have a Title? A rich Mechanick that wou'd be an Alderman?
Mad, stark mad! Oh, thou perfidious Maid!
Who hast thou hid in yonder conscious Closet? Alas poor Gentleman, he's past all Cure—But Sirrah, for the future, take you care that no young mad Patients be brought into my House. Who the Devil cou'd that be that pull'd me from the Closet?
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As he is gone off, enter Cinthio groping. Now for this lucky Rival, if his Stars will make this last part of his Adventure such.
I hid my self in the next Chamber, till I heard the Doctor go, only to return to be reveng'd. Enter Elaria with a Light. Scaramouch tells me Charmante is conceal'd in the Closet, whom Cinthio surely has mistaken for some Lover of mine, and is jealous; but I'll send Charmante after him, to make my peace and undeceive him. Prethee hear me. Fatigu'd with the most disagreeable Affair, for a Person of my Humour, in the World.
Where are the Sparks? I hope not so, I left Charmante confin'd to my Closet, when my Uncle had like to have surpriz'd us together: Is he not here? My Father was coming into the Chamber, and had like to have taken Cinthio with me, when, to conceal him, I put him into your Closet, not knowing of Charmante 's being there, and which, in the Dark, he took for a Gallant of mine; had not my Fathers Presence hinder'd, I believe there had been Murder committed; how ever, they both escap'd unknown.
Pshaw, is this all? Lovers Quarrels are soon adjusted; I'll to 'em, unfold the Riddle, and bring 'em back—take no care, but go in and dress you for the Ball; Mopsophil has Habits which your Lovers sent to put on: the Fiddles Treat, and all are prepar'd. I'm glad on't, 'tis a good Wench, and we'll trust her with our Mirth and Secret.
Enter Page with a Flambeaux, follow'd by Cinthio ; passes over the Stage. Scaramouch follows Cinthio in a Campaign Coat. You may inform your self I believe, for these close Intrigues cannot be carried on without your Knowledge. Ha,—What's the matter here? Seignior Don Charmante —. What, Cinthio in a Rage! Who's the unlucky Object? All Man and Woman Kind: Elaria 's false. Elaria false! She who by Nature's light and wavering. The Town contains not such a false Impertinent.
THE THEATRE — San Francisco Call 19 September — California Digital Newspaper Collection
Curse of the Jilt, I'll be her Fool no more. I doubt you are mistaken in that, Sir, for 'twas I was the Spark that writ the proper Stuff. To do you Service—. Ay, we that spend our Lives and Fortunes here to serve you,—to be us'd like Pimps and Scowndrels. Was it you, Cinthio? Pox on't, what Fools are we, we cou'd not know one another by Instinct? Well, well, dispute no more this clear Case, but lets hasten to your Mistresses. Come, come, take Heart of Grace; pull your Hats down over your Eyes; put your Arms across; sigh and look scurvily; your simple Looks are ever a Token of Repentance; come—come along.
You have no cause to doubt, you can so easily acquit your self; but I, what shall I do? Ay, but he's a Man of Wit too, Cousin, and knows when Women protest most, they likely lye most. That's according to the Disposition of your Lover, for some believe you most, when you most abuse and cheat 'em; some are so obstinate, they wou'd damn a Woman with protesting, before she can convince 'em. Such a one is not worth convincing, I wou'd not make the World wise at the expence of a Vertue. Nay, he shall e'en remain as Heaven made him for me, since there are Men enough for all uses.
Enter Charmante and Cinthio , dress'd in their Gothic Habits. Scaramouch, Harlequin and Musick. Charmante and Cinthio kneel. That, Cinthio , you're convinc'd, I do not wonder; but how Charmante 's Goodness is inspir'd, I know not.
We were unreasonable to forbid you that cold Joy, nor shall you wish long in vain, if you bring Matters so about, to get us with my Uncle's Consent. Our Fortunes depending solely on his Pleasure, which is too considerable to lose. All things are order'd as I have written you at large; our Scenes and all our Properties are ready; we have no more to do but to banter the old Gentleman into a little more Faith, which the next Visit of our new Cabbalist Charmante will compleat.
Enter some Anticks and dance. They all sit still the while. Your dancers have perform'd well, but 'twere fit we knew whom we have trusted with this Evenings Intrigue. Those, Madam, who are to assist us in carrying on a greater Intrigue, the gaining of you.
San Francisco Call, Volume 82, Number 111, 19 September 1897 — THE THEATRE [SECTION+ILLUSTRATION]
They are our Kinsmen. Shepherd and Shepherdess; which ended, they all dance a Figure Dance. Ha,—the Devil in the likeness of my old Masters Voice, for 'tis impossible it shou'd be he himself. He always has a Key to open 'em; Oh! He comes out. He opens the Door with a Candle in his Hand. Sirrah, must I stand waiting your Leisure, while you are Rogueing here? I will reward ye. I guess all, Sirrah, and I heard all, and you shall be rewarded for all. Where have you hid the Fiddles you Rogue?
4. Alias Bunbury
Here,—here I heard 'em, thou false Steward of thy Masters Treasure. Fiddles, Sir! Sure 'twas Wind got into your Head, and whistled in your Ears, riding so late, Sir. Why look you, Sir, I have, to surprise you with Pleasure, against you came home, been putting up this Piece of Tapestry, the best in Italy , for the Rareness of the Figures, Sir. I must confess, the Workmanship is excellent,—but still I do insist I heard the Musick.