Troubled Churches: Dreams, Visions, Vietnam and PTSD
Stop trying to distract and avoid dealing with myself. Loving myself. So hard to face yourself. To cry openly. To acknowledge. Is it dulling? Is it a realistic vision of yourself? Hell yes. Instead of loving myself and coming from that place when working with people to be on it. Looking around the room I felt sad and gave love for everyone else hoping they get what they want and the journey they are facing.
Cried again. We ignore that. I judge so much. Every person before it started I had assumptions about. It does Nothing for me. Came into this way too light. Kicked my ass. Fuck 2 more days I thought to myself. Lately, I want it fast and over. No appreciation for longer deeper relationships. I did recall during thinking fucking white people.
All on the floor in some random building, doing drugs and using this as new age shit to help themselves. And how my friend Neville would be teasing me about this :. Reflected on how the whole time I kept looking at the door and for my escape plan.
The Worst Night of My Life: My Experiences with Ayahuasca
Looking to get out. The lights gently fade on and the first nights ceremony begins its closing procedure. Holy shit, that was just night 1?!? They then sing to you and then come to you and breathe on your head and do arm waving with sounds. I know I know. It sounds weird as fuck. They do the whishing sound here too.
But at that moment I felt the prayers and strength and pride for me facing my fear and having courage. Funny cause I pushed this away at the beginning of the night. Remember rubbing the Topo Chico on my head and cheeks, never had that ice coldness felt so refreshing. I was having trouble opening the bottles Room reminded me kindergarten where no judgment or status and how much opportunities there are for growth.
Put the ice cold bottle down.
Felt hydrating. The Shaman commented on the cords of my shorts. What a night. Fucking cords my sweat shorts had cords. Is everything a lesson? Not judge it. I appreciated that. After we left, went over to make sure Billy is ok. Hard not to help others, especially during the experience. You are forced to help yourself first. Found his cabin. Debated checking since he was having his own reflection time. He was and said thanks. Note to self: I need to get way better at buying snacks for myself!!!
Go to the store. Not always better delivery. Stop being so fucking cheap. Then I brushed my teeth and pushups. Same nightly activity for 15 years. When I was outside I was so adamant about never doing this again. I was ready to leave but I stayed and faced it. Had to do it in my own way.
Toilet paper ready for the first night. By night 3, it was all gone. The ceremony goes from 8pm-4am or so. When we hear people tell us things we immediately respond with advice on what they are saying. Or if someone is fat or driving an Uber or whatever, we immediately assume a bunch of shit about them. But the guy is also very human about the experience. One lady was telling her story and he used jokes about Def Leppard and pour some sugar on me.
It made me listen more to his suggestions. He even said if you want to have fun, go take acid and go to a park. This is not for the faint of heart. Very real. Do more of them next year. I was VERY scared going into night 2. I did not want a repeat of the night before. Yea, I basically went beyond dying last night and am good for a decaf version of tonight. Tonight was VERY different. It was relaxed.
Re: Vietnam | Dialog | Topics
Was scared to go where I went the night before. Really enjoyed listening to the women sing tonight. They all take turns and sometimes they do it in unison. Hippies always talk about feminine energy…But it was nice tonight, like mother earth. There were a few moments I felt like was in the earth note we are in 1-inch padded mat so you kind of are or I was floating.
A few notes were how much I appreciated the clean eating and being healthy. How the past week my body has really appreciated it. No coffee, etc..
Makes me feel better. More energy. Less fussy. For future less alcohol, more fruit, less beef. Not like I ignored them but thank them for the chapters in my life and opening me for this next chapter. Being on the floor I thought of my nephew cause kids are on the floor and giving him more attention.
Reflected on giving my girlfriend more love so she feels safe. What women say or are angry about is generally never what they are really mad about.
Have to really be aware of that.